So apparently…
Rich people don't actually use their own money to buy houses.
Which feels fake.
But unfortunately it's real.
I saw a millionaire walk into a bank and basically say:
"Hello, I already have a million dollars…
but I'd still like YOU to buy my house for me."
And the bank looked at him like he was a genius.
Meanwhile if I overdraft by $11 because Spotify renewed itself at 2AM,
the financial system treats me like a domestic threat.
At first I was confused.
Because if I had $1 million,
I would simply:
Stop panicking every morning
buy mozzarella sticks without checking the price
maybe experience joy
But rich people think differently.
Apparently if they spend their own money on a house,
their money becomes trapped inside the house.
Which is bad because rich people need their money free-range and reproducing in the wild.
So instead,
they borrow money from the bank.
Meaning technically:
The bank buys the house.
Not them.
Then it gets worse.
They rent the house out.
So OTHER people make the mortgage payments.
And the rich person still keeps their original money invested somewhere else making MORE money.
Stocks.
Businesses.
Real estate.
Probably an app that delivers vitamins to golden retrievers.
So now:
The bank bought the house
renters pay for the house
investments make more money
and somehow they still get tax deductions
Meanwhile I once used a buy-one-get-one coupon incorrectly and entered a six month financial recovery period.
The craziest part is the tax thing.
Apparently mortgage interest can sometimes be deducted.
Meaning the government sees a rich person borrowing massive amounts of money and says:
"Excellent work.
Here's a little bonus."
I bought cough medicine last week and felt my checking account spiritually collapse.
This was the moment I realized:
Rich people don't really use money the same way normal people do.
To me,
Money is something that disappears immediately after rent.
To them,
Money is an employee.
It leaves the house every morning and comes back with friends.
Anyway,
my current real estate strategy is still:
Refreshing Zillow
whispering "maybe someday"
and surviving inside a one-bedroom apartment funded entirely by reward points and emotional instability.
But at least now I understand why wealthy people love debt so much.
Turns out debt feels very different when you already own everything.
— Budget Wiener
DealHurryUp
